Bad CLOVERFIELD, bad!

Cloverfield's shameless, heavy-handed, exploitative, boring, occasionally clever, annoying and ultimately a waste of time.

The 84-minute "feature" film is told via a "found" video, which documents the attack of a mysterious, unidentified monster wreaking havoc on Manhattan. You're told at the beginning of Cloverfield that what you are about to see is unedited, U.S. Government top-secret footage of what occurred on that fateful day.

Of course, ol' Uncle Sam forgot to edit out the first 20-or-so mind-numbing minutes of exposition, during which you meet all the characters—well-groomed, suave, sexy, quick-witted and conflicted—at a going-away party for a main character. Later that evening, an earthquake-like rumble serves as the ultimate party foul. Characters scamper to the roof, whereupon they witness a 9/11-like assault on downtown Manhattan, which explodes in a ball of fire. The soundtrack during this moment is like those amateur videos of the second airplane hitting the WTC. Ridiculous.

The party goes streetside and oments later, the head of the Statue of Liberty comes flying down the boulevard, landing out front of the apartment. Revelers scream ... and snap shots with cell-phone cameras. A large monster storms down the avenue, destroying everything in its path. The main character, some dude, gets a cell-phone call from his gf, who's in peril at the heart of the new ground zero. He must save her (even though he's leaving her to move to Japan—"but I have to save her!"). Thus, the first act of Cloverfield.

By this point, you pretty much want to call it quits. Why?

1. Stupid hand-held camera shtick: Yeah, I get it. It's "discovered" DV footage. It's amateur video of the night of the attack. How clever. Now, once this shtick has been established, can't we just get a fucking tripod in on the action and just pretend that the dude videotaping the carnage has incredibly sturdy wrists? Hold that camera still, skills! I'm willing to suspend my disbelief.

2. Stupid 9/11 trauma: I've seen the 9/11 tomfoolery described "bold" and "daring." Try this: Nothing can beat the original 9/11 "movie," so stop it with this janky homage nonsense. Only Cheney and his henchmen can put the fear of god in moviegoers, not you, J.J. Abrams.

3. First-person confessions: Woody Allen introduced talking to the camera to the American cinema vernacular. Blair Witch bastardized it. You almost come to expect it in Cloverfield and, yes, when it arrives you can't help but snicker.

4. Money shots: Please, just shoot your load. Don't make me sit on the monster money shot for some godawful 75 minutes. Show me the beast!!

5. Cell phones in movies: Plot-twist cell-phone abuse in recent movies are the "Dorothy wakes up from a dream" of modern-day Hollywood. Can't we just pretend that the batteries are dead? Or, because of the fuckin' monster, that all the cells have been wiped out. Or couldn't Cloverfield have been a period piece set in the '80s, what with the golden opportunity for a phone-booth attack sequence.

Verdict: Sneak in, don't pay.